Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
