I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
