get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
