WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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