I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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