Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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