Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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