I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
