I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
