i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
