false alarm. still invincible.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
