Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
