can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
i think i just lost a toe
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
