Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
