Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I puked a lego.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
