Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
