i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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