dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
