Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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