Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
