it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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