matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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