MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
