Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Come share oat with me in your robe
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
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