he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Randomize
