life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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