We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It's not a walk of shame if you run
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
