When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
