i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
