apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
