There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
