Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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