I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
