His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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