If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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