Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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