My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
