I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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