Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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