I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
