Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
