I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize