Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
