I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
