I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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