Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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