last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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