I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
