Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
