Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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