hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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