Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
