i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He did a backflip because drugs
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